now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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