oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
