I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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