you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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