She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
