i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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