my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
