i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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