the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
