Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
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as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize