Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
