Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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