Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
