If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
