I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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