He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
