I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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