dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
