Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
