i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
a search helicopter?!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
