Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
