look no pants
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
