So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
