Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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