Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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