It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize