i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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