I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
