my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
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This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
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