Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
