We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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