woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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