Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
