He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
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Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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