I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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