oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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