i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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