I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
