I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
no, he came in my armpit
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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