She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
