Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
