3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
