I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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