I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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