I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dick very happy bro
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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