and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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