Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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