every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm like, not good at living.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
