ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize