Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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