The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
