Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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