I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
